46 Comments#8sunday #WeWriWa, Blogfests, Writing/Blogging

This is the eighth instalment of Weekend Writing Warriors’

8 Sentence Sunday Blog Hop

Last week’s excerpt from my short story, “Mommy! Make it Stop!” brought forth some helpful critiques and I did a little editing.

Read the revised snippet HERE.

Clarification points: (Apologies! I should have specified on the first post.) This story takes place in the early 1960s and is told by an adult, present-day, third person narrator and not the main character child, who is about 7 or 8 years old. She’s a forlorn little girl, forced to grow up too fast, because of her toxic environment.

To continue:

She knew it would be hours yet, before either one of her parents got up. Staring at the TV, but, not really seeing, all she could think about was how depressing the rest of the day was going to be.

Mother, tearfully complaining about her lot in life and what an awful man she was married to. Father, severely hung over and barely uttering a word, then slinking off to watch the football game.

The little girl so longed for a “normal” life, where parents adored each other and their children, as depicted in sitcoms of the day, like Leave it to Beaver. She would have given anything to have parents like that!

This was a rough road for an only child; no siblings to commiserate with, to gain strength from, to share the pain. The little girl was all alone.

Read the entire story HERE.

Thanks for your time and please leave a comment.

Click on the image to view all participants. Please visit as many as you can and comment on their work as well. Happy reading!


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Debbie D.

Canine Innkeeper in suburban Toronto, Canada, known as “The Doglady”. Writer/website owner, photographer, animal lover, music fanatic, inveterate traveller. History, literature and cinema buff. Eternal “hippie/rockchick”. Binational, German/Canadian and multilingual. Looking for the next adventure!

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46 thoughts on “#8sunday WEEKEND WRITING WARRIORS; MAR. 24/13

  1. This breaks my heart. To be so young and so sad and oppressed by the reality of her world. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be a kid that wakes up dreading the day! One can only hope she rises above it all someday. Nice 8!

  2. I’m hoping that that this is a phase that is affecting her deeply and that there is more that is good as her life goes on.

    1. Some children are able to overcome childhood traumas to become strong adults, while others seem doomed to repeat the cycle. It all depends in the personalities involved, I think.

  3. Gemma has a great idea, let’s rescue her from Debbie the evil author, lol. You put me right there with her, in her place and time and made me care for her. Well done.

    1. No, of course the TV portrayal wasn’t realistic, but, she wouldn’t have understood that. I’d say her friends lives’ probably looked better from her viewpoint, too. Thanks for visiting, Sue. 🙂

  4. If readers are aware that the narrator is the same little girl now grown up, that will give what the narrator says a lot of weight. I like that idea. I may have a couple suggestions but will send those separately. You’re zeroed in on the emotions you want to bring out and that will definitely help. A tough story to write but you’ll hit readers right between the eyes!

  5. This resonates with me on a couple of levels, one being having a drunk for a parent and two wishing for a family like the Beaver had, or the parents like Ozzie and Harriet or Donna read. Being the same age as the child you’re writing about during those days, I remember well waking up and wondering what kind of mood mom would be in (she was the drinker) and how angry daddy would be if math homework wasn’t completely and correctly. Nicely done, nicely done.

  6. I saw your notes about the choice of POV, but I am still a little confused – is the older narrator he girl herself when SHE is older? Or is it someone else completely, and if so-are they in the same time period as they are narrating (the 60’s) or narrating from the scope of present day?

    1. Sorry for the confusion, Melonie. It’s a third-party, present day narrator. (I revised the explanation to reflect that). What did you think of the story itself? Thanks for visiting and have a great week! 🙂

  7. Hi Debbie, I think even with a new POV you might simplify some words. The story touches the heart, of course. The reader, me, wants to scoop up the child and bring her home, give her a pet and kids to play with.

    1. Hi Charmaine; This was always meant to be the POV, but obviously, I didn’t do a very good job articulating that from the beginning. I’ll have to work on writing more simply. Hard to change styles in my old age, though. Thanks for your input and I’m glad the story left an impression. Have a great week! 🙂

  8. This has been a great story to read! I’m really enjoying the read 🙂

    I have a cousin who is an only child and she would always want to hang out at our house because she was always “bored” at home. I felt bad for her and even though my brothers and sister got on my nerves as we were growing up, I wouldn’t change it for anything. 🙂

    Hope you’re having a great weekend Debbie!

    1. Thanks for reading, Corina. The last instalment will be next week, then I’ll switch to a different story. I was an only child as well, but never, ever bored! Long as I have music, books and writing materials, I’m happy. 🙂 I did wonder what it would be like to have siblings. Bet there was a lot of camaraderie. Cheers!

    1. Hi Linda! 🙂 I think with siblings, her life would have been a little better, because then she would have had someone to share the pain with and they could have consoled each other. Thanks for visiting and have a good weekend.