#8Sunday WEEKEND WRITING WARRIORS: JUN. 29/14

Welcome to Weekend Writing Warriors’

** 8 Sentence Sunday Blog Hop **

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A weekly festival of writers sharing excerpts from their work.  Many different genres; something for everybody.  Enjoy!  

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This is a continuation of “The Visitation”; a short story based on actual events that happened in the summer of 1971.   Last week, I received many excellent suggestions and may do a re-write in future.  Thank you Marcia, Teresa and Jess for your advice.

Previous instalment HERE.

As they entered the visitation room, she could feel all eyes boring into her.  Some people were whispering and she guessed what they were saying.  “That’s the slut he was involved with.” Older generation Italians didn’t take kindly to outsiders and she wasn’t even Catholic – the ultimate sin!  Her friend gripped her arm and muttered: “Ignore them!” Shaking now.  They slowly made their way to the casket.  He was wearing his best dark blue suit, with a white shirt and striped tie. She’d never seen him in a tie before. *

[*This was the era of colourful printed shirts and open collars.]

Have you ever had a memory that haunted you for life? Stay tuned to find out what happens next!

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Thanks for dropping by.

Comments and helpful critiques always welcome.

Debbie

Please visit as many of these talented writers as you can and comment on their work as well.

Happy reading!

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Debbie

The “Doglady”. Canine Innkeeper in suburban Toronto, Canada. Writer/blogger, animal lover, music fanatic, inveterate traveller. History, literature & cinema buff. Eternal hippie/rockchick. Bi-national, German/Canadian and multilingual. Currently working on a memoir of the dogs she has known during her years as a pet sitter, along with other memoirs and creative writing pieces.

Debbie

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20 Comments

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20 Responses to #8Sunday WEEKEND WRITING WARRIORS: JUN. 29/14

  1. Hi Debbie :) I’m a day late, but didn’t want to miss your post.

    Joyce has some good ideas, though you came up with some great imagery yourself. I like this post better than last week’s, in the sense that it feels more immediate. You could take it a bit further depending on how deep you feel able to go. When you get down to the nitty gritty, your writing can be very evocative.

    And consider simply dropping “slowly”. For me, the whole context of the scene in addition to the mention of the girls shaking presents an image of them moving slowly toward the casket. It can be easy to drop in adverbs but other techniques can work better.
    Marcia recently posted…Weekend Writing Warriors: 6/29/14 Where are you taking me??My Profile

  2. I loved the snark. I can picture all the judgment eyes on her as she’s approaching the casket. I’m happy she has some support with her.

    Keep smiling,
    Yawatta
    Yawatta Hosby recently posted…Weekend Writing Warriors Excerpt #2My Profile

  3. This sounds like an interesting hop. I’m always looking for honest critiques of my writing. Let’s see what I can suggest for yours.

    The interesting scene brings out a great concept of a woman at the funeral of a man she loved in a way that perhaps she shouldn’t. Rather than have her “enter” the visitation room, I’d look for a verb that shows the emotion of the event as she enters. Perhaps she stepped lightly with a glance in either direction or hesitated before dragging herself forward. I’d also work to remove the ‘be’ verbs. For example, instead of saying, “Some people were whispering,” why not start the sentence with “The whispers of, “Slut” by the older generation Italians failed to hide the obvious disdain for (MC), who had never held a Rosary or something else to show she’s not a Catholic. You want to show how these people feel about her rather than telling us. I’d also show emotions when she comes upon the stiff through internal dialogue. Seeing a dead person is a powerful scene, so you need to bring the pain of it to the reader by putting us into the main character’s head and heart. What was your purpose in mentioning that she’s never seen him in a tie before? Make sure there’s a reason for this rather than just a detail.

    Good luck. I hope this is what you’re looking for.
    Joyce recently posted…#MM Celebrate MeMy Profile

  4. Oh Debbie, this brings back the saddest of memories. I’d like to say thanks but no. Your writing touches me and hits all the right tones except for the Shaking now etc. Consider, “Trembling inside where no one could see, she moved toward the coffin.”
    Author Charmaine Gordon recently posted…6/29/14 WEWRIWAMy Profile

  5. Very intense scene. And there’s none quite so spiteful as offended old ladies!

  6. The tie suggests a side of him she’s never seen–either that or the undertaker’s “prettying up.”
    Sue Ann Bowling recently posted…Weekend Writing Warriors: Rescue OperationMy Profile

  7. This is heartbreaking, Debbie. You’ve conveyed that she feels like an outsider here–on several levels. And now we know how difficult it was for her to go. That last line…how poignant. This snippet, I think, is particularly well-written. :-)

  8. Oh how stressful. I can sense all the emotions jumbled up inside her. Poor thing.
    Millie Burns recently posted…WeWriWa – What is so funny?My Profile

  9. Again a well done snippet. Funerals are JUST not my thing. Was widowed very young. Best wishes to you on the story.
    Veronica Scott recently posted…Merely a Priestess? MAGIC OF THE NILE for Weekend Writing WarriorsMy Profile

  10. Very nice, although the two sentences “Shaking now. They slowly made their way to the casket.” for me personally don’t make sense as stand alones. Perhaps they could be joined together with a comma?
    G.B. Miller recently posted…I’s Gots Pics!My Profile

    • Good morning George. You’re right – it does look a little awkward. How about “She was shaking now”. Slowly…..” I don’t like the sound of that either. Let me think on it – need more coffee. Thanks for visiting and have a great day! :)
      Debbie recently posted…PHOTO FRIDAY: GREENMy Profile

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