#8Sunday WEEKEND WRITING WARRIORS JUN. 22/14

30 Comments#8sunday #WeWriWa, Blogfests, Writing/Blogging

Welcome to Weekend Writing Warriors’

** 8 Sentence Sunday Blog Hop **

wewriwa veteran

A weekly festival of writers sharing excerpts from their work.
Many different genres; something for everybody. Enjoy!

It’s been three months since my last post here and I’m happy to be back!

This is a continuation of “The Visitation”.
Have you ever had a memory that haunted you for life?

Previous instalment HERE.

There would be two days of visitation, followed by a Catholic funeral mass, then interment. This was her first brush with death and the grief overwhelmed her. She couldn’t face going to the funeral home alone and enlisted a friend to lean on. According to rumours, the family had insisted on an open casket, despite the severity of his injuries. Hard to find a sombre outfit. It was 1971 and her wardrobe was full of mini skirts and hot pants. That black maxi at the back of the closet would have to do! Knees trembling, stomach tight; she waited for her friend to collect her.

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Such a traumatic event for a young woman!

sad girl Photo credit

Thanks for dropping by.

Comments and helpful critiques always welcome.

Debbie

Please visit as many of these talented writers as you can
and comment on their work as well.

Happy reading!

wewriwa

[Click to view participants]

Canine Innkeeper in suburban Toronto, Canada, known as “The Doglady”. Writer/website owner, photographer, animal lover, music fanatic, inveterate traveller. History, literature and cinema buff. Eternal “hippie/rockchick”. Binational, German/Canadian and multilingual. Looking for the next adventure!
THANKS FOR SHARING!

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30 thoughts on “#8Sunday WEEKEND WRITING WARRIORS JUN. 22/14

  1. Welcome back, Debbie. This was my first weekend participating in WeWriWa, and it was pretty fun. The question: “Have you ever had a memory that haunted your life?” along with the picture made your snippet interesting. I kept feeling dread, especially if it’ll be an open casket. I also felt for the characters. It’s hard losing someone.

    Keep smiling,Yawatta

    1. Yes, the open casket is certainly to be dreaded, as you’ll see in the next instalment. It was suggested that more personal detail be added to hold the reader’s interest and I may do a re-write in future. Thanks for dropping by and have a great week! 🙂

  2. Welcome back, Debbie. I’ve missed your snippets. Kudos on taking on a tough subject. I was quite young when I attended my first funeral, a close family friend, and I think it impacted me more than any funeral I’ve ever attended since. I still remember bits and pieces of the preacher’s sermon.

    Teresa had some great advice, wouldn’t she be an awesome editor. One of the things that might help the reader connect a bit more strongly to the piece is adding some physical qualities. She slipped the dress from the hanger, her hands trembling slightly, or she shifted one mini-skirt after another out of her way, her motions growing jerkier with each unsuitable garment after another.

    Just a suggestion. I still love the concept of this piece and think you’re off to a compelling start.

    1. Hi Jess; Yes, Teresa had some great suggestions and so do you. Thanks so much for the input! I may rewrite the entire piece in future, but will continue with it as is, for now. Have a good week.

  3. Welcome back to the Weekend Warriors! I’m glad your character has a friend to go with her. Funerals are not one of my favorite subjects…but your snippet was very well written!

  4. Welcome back! Intriguing story. 🙂 It delves into an uncomfortable subject for many–especially for young people when other young people die. I’ve been thinking about Marcia’s comment. I’m not a fan of first person, but I see what she means. I do my writing in third person. One thing that jumped out at me was a sentence when you did drop into deep third. “Hard to find a somber outfit.” You didn’t preface it with “She thought”…and that’s good. What that did was pulled the reader straight into her mind, into her thought. That is what deep third does, takes the reader into the character’s head. That develops an intimacy between the reader and the character– and they empathize deeply with the character, then.

    One more example: (and then you can tell me to buzz off 🙂 ) You wrote: She couldn’t face going to the funeral home alone and enlisted a friend to lean on. According to rumours, the family had insisted on an open casket, despite the severity of his injuries.” Okay, this is definitely a 3rd person objective narrator stepping back and telling the story from a distance…but do you want to pull the reader closer to the story? If you do, then get into her head. Share the story as if it comes from her thoughts. Maybe… “Thank God Jane will be there to lean on at the funeral home. This has to be the worst thing ever. Why would any family insist on an open casket when the injuries had been severe? Well, if the rumors were true.” That was just one example of how you could write it if you wanted to drop into a deeper third. It was just an idea. If you’re comfortable writing in 3rd person objective, and you’re happy, that’s all that matters though. 🙂

    1. Thank you for all the great suggestions, Teresa. I may just rewrite the whole thing at some point, but for now, I do prefer to keep it at a distance.
      So nice of you to take the time for this. Have a great week.

  5. Very cool, Debbie! You left me wanting more and more and I wanted to go to the funeral parlor with her.

    I take it she is you. My first viewing was early in elementary school. The nuns took us to a nearby funeral parlor within walking distance (remember how we actually walked in those days?) to view some adult stranger. It was creepy in every sense, an intrusion and yet a feeling we were viewing a big porcelain doll since this person meant nothing to us; lacking memories we felt no connection to the body itself.

    I suppose we should have learnt some lesson from this little excursion into the real world but all I took from it was that life goes on.

    See, you’ve triggered memories from me. Very well done!

    1. That really is a creepy thing for the nuns to do, Chi Chi! :O Glad it wasn’t too traumatic for you. Yes, this actually happened and the rest of the story will reveal more. Thanks for visiting and sharing your memories!

  6. Hey Debbie, great to see you on the list again 😀

    You’ve got an intriguing story going on. I’m interested to find out what happens, but I have to say, I don’t feel strongly connected to the girl because of the summary style here and in the previous snippet. Plus it’s all in 3rd person POV which adds to the feeling of distance.

    Maybe you want that for these early bits though. If not, think about either filling in more details or switch to first person POV.

    Sending hugs your way, dear. Hope your summer is going great!

    1. Hi Marcia; Sorry the style isn’t to your liking, but, I prefer the 3rd person narrative. Please tell me what further details you are looking for; was a bit confused about that, since I thought it was fairly specific. Thanks for your comments. Always appreciated. 🙂